John 9:4King James Version (KJV)
4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
It’s time to do me, I’m done with them
I’m done! I have been here so many times before. Anytime life gets in my way, I declare, I’m done! Since I felt old enough to start making decisions for myself, I became laser focused. Then, along came my awareness of how God is the head of my life therefore, my focus changed. Often I get comfortable following His path for me and get tripped up.
College had a really rocky financial start for me but soon leveled off. That was the period of my life where I feverishly sought God’s plan for my life. Being pulled in many different directions from family at home, new friends, new found freedoms, being responsible for my own initiative to get my work done, deciding on a major and how to spend money, I stayed on my knees. He came through again and again. I decided I was handling college just fine, then disillusionment set in. I became aware of how my family was making me think I was invaluable, but, in reality they were just using me. I swore up and down I was done!
My next major phase of life was a two decades long marriage that resembled a tug of war. My spouse used the unrelenting influence of my family against me. After my mother died just twenty-three months into my marriage, I felt there was no home to go back to. I had gone from having that anchor who cared about whatever I was going through in life, to someone feeling like my wings were clipped and now where can I go? I hung in there until I started taking on water emotionally. I woke up on my thirty-ninth birthday and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I emphatically responded, a divorce. I was taken aback a bit myself at my bluntness. But, the truth is the truth. I was done. They next night, I journeyed out. I began to seek His path for me again with a vengeance.
Familiarity was too big of a draw even with my gut instinct screaming, No! I moved back to my home area and sooner than I thought was possible, I was back to being used. This time the family sales pitch was changed a bit, momma would want us to be close they said She would want us to help each other. It was akin to an addiction. I saw myself not doing enough for my own children so that I could secure relationships that were helping me. The more I did for them, the more they’d be there for me. All three of my children began to experience real hardships before I opened my eyes to my reality. I was there for everybody’s children in the family except my own. Right there I should have been done.
Please explain to me how this is part and parcel of your plan for my life, please. On my knees, in the presence of God only, did I cry out. I moved to a new city and kept moving forward. My children and I began rebuilding . Once, they felt we were all in a good place, they began to pour out their hearts and reveal just how much my family’s choke-hold on me affected them. Admitting what was so evident to them all of these years freed my stress and strengthened me emotionally. Soon thereafter, God revealed how all of this is part and parcel of his plan for my life. He is not done with me.
God pointed out to me how I easily transitioned a conversation from sour to sweet. How often I shared the smile that thinking of my mother’s love for me so easily surfaced. Hugging someone until their breathing steadied and listening without judgment to anyone who needed it became automatic. He has blessed me and I thank Him. All of these characteristics were incorporated to mask my pain from my children. I wanted to comfort and be there for them. My oldest checked me and told me that they indulged me but were infuriated that I felt I had to do that for them and not deal with my own pain. Encourage and comfort us but be real about it. Tell us how it affects you.
Encouragement is the purpose He revealed to me. Even an addict still in his addiction needs encouragement. He also needs to hear the truth. A Christian needs encouragement and a dose of truth. A sinner needs encouragement and a dose of the truth. That realization was daylight to me. I have no higher purpose and absolutely relish in the opportunity to encourage.
Taking a job overseas was the culmination and baptism into promise and purpose. Throughout all my prayers when I repeatedly declared, I’m done!, God promised to always be there for me. Through all the times I tripped up with relationships, friendships, and jobs, God was there. Now, a chance to go full throttle into my purpose. I did that. I had the best three years of my life. I never denied Him once and He never left me, no not once. Then I came home. And it was on purpose. I literally bought my freedom from my family. I opened my wallet and they cut me off. I purged my phone, my files, my social media and in-person talks. I’m really done.
He promised never to leave me. All the talk of that’s what momma would want was misconstrued. When momma died, He was all that I needed. I spent three decades refusing to believe that. It was too hard of a truth to digest. He gave me this family in the beginning, I must need to keep them forever. I was given this earthly family to prepare me for my Heavenly purpose. Now, that I walk in my purpose, I’m free of them. Dr. Lois Evans’ book, Seasons of a Woman’s Life, speaks of the seasons we go through as we mature in Christ. Everything and everyone will not be with you all the way through your life. I realize that now.
It’s time to do me. I’m taking care of my dad because he needs me and it pleases God. Finally, I’m doing something without the misguided notion that that’s what momma would want. I’m living freely, happily and it’s reflected in my health. I’m good physically, emotionally and psychologically.
This is a work I must do while it is day. I will not get this chance again.